Getting
Married With Children
June 29, 2009
Weddings are changing and so are the couples getting married.
Today's bride and groom are often facing a completely new
set of circumstances, especially when it comes to a blended
family. The number of encore weddings involving children
from a previous relationship is rapidly growing and does
not show signs of slowing down. Couples are often unsure
what role if any a child should play in the wedding. Many
couples find it a balancing act to include children while
still keeping the wedding day romantic and about them.
Most young children will not share an adult's understanding
of the wedding, they will however, be aware of the excitement,
fear and stress of the people around them. Think your child
is too young? Think again, very young children are like
little sponges; they soak up everything. Unfortunately,
children do not always know how to process what they have
absorbed.
Sit down and talk to your child one on one. Explain what
is happening and what affect it will have on their life
and routine. Ask if they have any questions and really listen.
Do not dismiss or laugh at a child's questions or concerns
even if it may sound silly to you. I had a bride ask me
to change the introduction at the end of the ceremony from
please greet Mr. & Mrs. Smith to please greet John and
Sara as husband and wife and their sons Jacob and Michael.
The request came after the bride's youngest son asked if
she would still be his mother since her last name was changing
and his was not.
This can be such an uncertain time for a child, not only
do they have to share their mother or father, they also
have a new parent and perhaps new siblings coming into their
life. It is easy to see why children can be confused when
faced with such mixed motions. Here they are happy about
the marriage, excited about the upcoming wedding day and
feeling guilty because being happy and excited feels like
choosing one parent over the other.
Bad behavior in a child who normally is very well behaved
is not unusual. An adult who is tired and stressed may resort
to using phrases like; for once in your life, do you always
have to or you never. Comments that bully or belittle a
child, or make unfair generalizations do not help, and can
make a child feel picked on or more anxious.
A child needs to feel special and it is so easy to sideline
them during all the preparation and planning. When either
the bride or groom has a child it is, appropriate to mention
the child in the ceremony. When there is a child not only
is a marriage created, but also a family. Often it is important
that a child hear their name mentioned in the ceremony.
Hearing their name can reassure them they important and
they hold a special status that guests and other family
members do not have. If a prayer is in the ceremony, the
name of the child may be included in the prayer or you may
decide to write a vow to the child read by the new parent
during the ceremony, is followed by asking the child if
they accept the vow. I do not suggest you tell the child
about this vow in advance. I once had a child think that
was his golden opportunity to restrict his new parent from
telling him when to go to bed, when he could go out to play
and when he could play his game boy and as a bit of an after
thought that he added he did not eat vegetables, ever. He
was very disappointed to say the least when he felt a slight
squeeze of his father's hand and told to accept the vow
without the stipulations met.
If you want a child to participate in the wedding, it is
usually enough for a younger child to hold the ring pillow,
carrying a bouquet or toss petals. As for pre-teens and
teenagers, the role may be as simple as standing up with
the couple as a bridesmaid or groomsman. In an informal
wedding, an older child may be asked to operate the CD player
for the wedding music, or given a camera and asked to take
pictures during the ceremony. What ever you do, do not put
the success of the wedding on how well a child does their
assigned task. Most teenagers cannot take the place of a
professional disc jockey or photographer. Younger children
may get cold feet and become terribly shy. In addition,
using toddlers in your wedding is frankly a crapshoot; you
have a 50/50 chance of things going as planned. No amount
of threatening, belittling, bribery or begging is going
to change their mind. For some children the sudden refusal
to participate in the wedding has made them the center of
attention and if you think they are going to let go of that
spotlight you are crazy. It is best to just tell them you
understand and if they do not want to participate that is
okay, then leave it alone and move on.
Even after a parent has taken the time to talk to the child
about the marriage and the wedding day and involve the child
in some aspect of the ceremony the child can feel somewhat
forgotten. A child tends to see the world as revolving around
them and the wedding day is no exception. They may feel
left out as the adults celebrate after the ceremony. A child
may be at a loss and not know what they are supposed to
do when the ceremony ends and the reception begins. And
when you think about it, why would they know? The reception
may be their first experience attending a formal gathering.
It is all new and they have no experience to draw upon.
At the end of the ceremony or before the reception begins
take a moment to acknowledge and hug your child; thank them
for being there for you. Tell them what is going to take
place and what is expected of them or where they should
be. If formal pictures are over and it is just time to relax
and enjoy the festivities then let them know they are free
to play, eat or get comfortable. This minute of recognition
is very important and can keep all of you happy.
One way to involve children at the reception is to give
them an inexpensive camera and let them take pictures they
think are important. It will be interesting to see what
they have photographed. Later the photographs create a wonderful
personal remembrance of the wedding day through their eyes.
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